My Mother Died Last Wednesday! SAD!! It was not a pleasant experience……it was painful…for her….for her children……grandchildren………..and all the people who watched her waste away at 75 lbs in fear…….lots of fear…..fear of the unknown………Her lover and companion of 27 years had died on Sunday, 3 days prior…….of a horrible death from lung cancer….not pleasant either………..but what was really not pleasant was their denial of Eternity………In fact, I mentioned eternity at the grave side short message. Sad! My Father had faced Eternity almost 50 years prior at the same grave site we stood at!! He was only 32 years old with a 1 year old, 6 year old and me at 8 years on June 5, 1966. Death is sudden, unforgiving, undeniable, permanent, final………and quite sobering…….although I did have a few drinks before and after the funeral.
My sister asked me this morning at 1am…are you doing ok this week? MY response…..”Total sadness. I do not want to die sad. Do you? I want joy unspeakable and full of glory!”
Eldridge says in Wild at Heart…………
The root of all our woes and our false self was this: We were seeking to save our life and we lost it. Christ calls a man beyond that, “but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it” (Mark 8: 35).
Again, this isn’t just about being willing to die for Christ; it’s much more daily than that. For years all my daily energy was spent trying to beat the trials in my life and arrange for a little pleasure. My weeks were wasted away either striving or indulging. I was a mercenary. A mercenary fights for pay, for his own benefit; his life is devoted to himself. “The quality of a true warrior,” says Bly, “is that he is in service to a purpose greater than himself; that is, to a transcendent cause.” That is the moving quality in Ballou’s letter; that is the secret of the warrior-heart of Jesus.
And that was my Mother…..trying to beat the trials and she had plenty……..striving, indulging a lot……. in booze and drugs…….fighting for pay…..more of something……devoted to herself…….she would always say….”I'm gonna start takin care of Wanda for a change and thinkin about what I want”……….but her life was always devoted to her addictions…….yes………she loved her children………but she loved her addictions more! No question…..Saaaaaaaaaaaaddddddd!!
What a wake up call for me! What is my legacy?? How do I want to be remembered…….quite amazing how my children remembered their Mimi and how I remembered their Mimi!!! Very different perspectives! I always blamed her for my childhood……..the drunkeness and adulteries and craziness……….but little did I know or admit……there was Traitor within………my selfish…..stinking flesh that occupied and still occupies my heart. So…….who do you blame????
Eldridge says…..
THE TRAITOR WITHIN
However strong a castle may be, if a treacherous party resides inside (ready to betray at the first opportunity possible), the castle cannot be kept safe from the enemy. Traitors occupy our own hearts, ready to side with every temptation and to surrender to them all. (John Owen, Sin and Temptation)
Eldredge, John (2011-04-17). Wild at Heart Revised and Updated: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul (p. 143). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition.
Eldredge, John (2011-04-17). Wild at Heart Revised and Updated: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul (p. 143). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition.
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