Being Real is Fearful

I got a lot of responses this past week and I sincerely appreciate the prayers and encouragement.  Interesting to hear that many people are really reading this blog every Saturday morning.  I had people actually call me from around the country to encourage me.  Some with similar experiences, fears, pains, frustrations, sadness, disappointments, pity parties and selfish flesh.  Some read it more than once……I hope it spoke to your heart because it came from mine.  Its also interesting who did not respond………..some people who had been through the death of parents but would rather not confess the pain or admit anything because its scary…..its vulnerable,,,,,,,uncomfortable………..

Its tough for men to be real…..scary as hell……..we would all rather be Posers, fakes and phonies…….but I have found that when you try it, other men identify, many don’t because its easier not to.  But some do and want to be real.  They want to be who God really made them to be…..a real man who loves a fight, an adventure and the love of a lady.  But we so easily forget who we are in Christ, don’t we???

As Eldridge says:

Ever since that fateful day when Adam gave away the essence of his strength, men have struggled with a part of themselves that is ready at the drop of a hat to do the same. 

We don’t want to speak up unless we know it will go well, and we don’t want to move unless we’re guaranteed success. What the Scriptures call the flesh, the old man, or the sinful nature, is that part of fallen Adam in every man that always wants the easiest way out. 

It’s much easier to masturbate than to make love to your wife, especially if things are not well between you and initiating sex with her feels risky. It’s much easier to go down to the driving range and attack a bucket of balls than it is to face the people at work who are angry at you.

 It’s much easier to clean the garage, organize your files, cut the grass, or work on the car than it is to talk to your teenage daughter. 

To put it bluntly, your flesh is a weasel, a poser, and a selfish pig. And your flesh is not you. Did you know that? Your flesh is not the real you. 

When Paul gives us his famous passage on what it’s like to struggle with sin (Rom. 7), he tells a story we are all too familiar with: I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. 

Eldredge, John (2011-04-17). Wild at Heart Revised and   Updated: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul (pp. 143-144). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition. 

I want my friends to be real…..I want to be real….but I am full of fear just like you.  How do we break through???  Any ideas??

OH Death, Where is thy sting?

My Mother Died Last Wednesday!  SAD!!  It was not a pleasant experience……it was painful…for her….for her children……grandchildren………..and all the people who watched her waste away at 75 lbs in fear…….lots of fear…..fear of the unknown………Her lover and companion of 27 years had died on Sunday, 3 days prior…….of a horrible death from lung cancer….not pleasant either………..but what was really not pleasant was their denial of Eternity………In fact, I mentioned eternity at the grave side short message.  Sad!  My Father had faced Eternity almost 50 years prior at the same grave site we stood at!!  He was only 32 years old with a 1 year old, 6 year old and me at 8 years on June 5, 1966.  Death is sudden, unforgiving, undeniable, permanent, final………and quite sobering…….although I did have a few drinks before and after the funeral.  

My sister asked me this morning at 1am…are you doing ok this week?   MY response…..”Total sadness.  I do not want to die sad.  Do you?  I want joy unspeakable and full of glory!”

 Eldridge says in Wild at Heart…………

The root of all our woes and our false self was this: We were seeking to save our life and we lost it. Christ calls a man beyond that, “but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it” (Mark 8: 35). 

Again, this isn’t just about being willing to die for Christ; it’s much more daily than that. For years all my daily energy was spent trying to beat the trials in my life and arrange for a little pleasure. My weeks were wasted away either striving or indulging. I was a mercenary. A mercenary fights for pay, for his own benefit; his life is devoted to himself. “The quality of a true warrior,” says Bly, “is that he is in service to a purpose greater than himself; that is, to a transcendent cause.” That is the moving quality in Ballou’s letter; that is the secret of the warrior-heart of Jesus.

And that was my Mother…..trying to beat the trials and she had plenty……..striving, indulging a lot……. in booze and drugs…….fighting for pay…..more of something……devoted to herself…….she would always say….”I'm gonna start takin care of Wanda for a change and thinkin about what I want”……….but her life was always devoted to her addictions…….yes………she loved her children………but she loved her addictions more!  No question…..Saaaaaaaaaaaaddddddd!!  

What a wake up call for me!  What is my legacy??  How do I want to be remembered…….quite amazing how my children remembered their Mimi and how I remembered their Mimi!!!  Very different perspectives!  I always blamed her for my childhood……..the drunkeness and adulteries and craziness……….but little did I know or admit……there was Traitor within………my selfish…..stinking flesh that occupied and still occupies my heart.   So…….who do you blame????

Eldridge says…..

THE TRAITOR WITHIN

 However strong a castle may be, if a treacherous party resides inside (ready to betray at the first opportunity possible), the castle cannot be kept safe from the enemy. Traitors occupy our own hearts, ready to side with every temptation and to surrender to them all. (John Owen, Sin and Temptation)

Eldredge, John (2011-04-17). Wild at Heart Revised and   Updated: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul (p. 143). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition. 

Eldredge, John (2011-04-17). Wild at Heart Revised and   Updated: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul (p. 143). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition. 

O Death, where is thy Sting?

My Mother Died Last Wednesday!  SAD!!  It was not a pleasant experience……it was painful…for her….for her children……grandchildren………..and all the people who watched her waste away at 75 lbs in fear…….lots of fear…..fear of the unknown………Her lover and companion of 27 years had died on Sunday, 3 days prior…….of a horrible death from lung cancer….not pleasant either………..but what was really not pleasant was their denial of Eternity………In fact, I mentioned eternity at the grave side short message.  Sad!  My Father had faced Eternity almost 50 years prior at the same grave site we stood at!!  He was only 32 years old with a 1 year old, 6 year old and me at 8 years on June 5, 1966.  Death is sudden, unforgiving, undeniable, permanent, final………and quite sobering…….although I did have a few drinks before and after the funeral.  

My sister asked me this morning at 1am…are you doing ok this week?   MY response…..”Total sadness.  I do not want to die sad.  Do you?  I want joy unspeakable and full of glory!”

 Eldridge says in Wild at Heart…………

The root of all our woes and our false self was this: We were seeking to save our life and we lost it. Christ calls a man beyond that, “but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it” (Mark 8: 35). 

Again, this isn’t just about being willing to die for Christ; it’s much more daily than that. For years all my daily energy was spent trying to beat the trials in my life and arrange for a little pleasure. My weeks were wasted away either striving or indulging. I was a mercenary. A mercenary fights for pay, for his own benefit; his life is devoted to himself. “The quality of a true warrior,” says Bly, “is that he is in service to a purpose greater than himself; that is, to a transcendent cause.” That is the moving quality in Ballou’s letter; that is the secret of the warrior-heart of Jesus.

And that was my Mother…..trying to beat the trials and she had plenty……..striving, indulging a lot……. in booze and drugs…….fighting for pay…..more of something……devoted to herself…….she would always say….”I'm gonna start takin care of Wanda for a change and thinkin about what I want”……….but her life was always devoted to her addictions…….yes………she loved her children………but she loved her addictions more!  No question…..Saaaaaaaaaaaaddddddd!!  

What a wake up call for me!  What is my legacy??  How do I want to be remembered…….quite amazing how my children remembered their Mimi and how I remembered their Mimi!!!  Very different perspectives!  I always blamed her for my childhood……..the drunkeness and adulteries and craziness……….but little did I know or admit……there was Traitor within………my selfish…..stinking flesh that occupied and still occupies my heart.   So…….who do you blame????

Eldridge says…..

THE TRAITOR WITHIN

 However strong a castle may be, if a treacherous party resides inside (ready to betray at the first opportunity possible), the castle cannot be kept safe from the enemy. Traitors occupy our own hearts, ready to side with every temptation and to surrender to them all. (John Owen, Sin and Temptation)

Eldredge, John (2011-04-17). Wild at Heart Revised and   Updated: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul (p. 143). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition. 

Eldredge, John (2011-04-17). Wild at Heart Revised and   Updated: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul (p. 143). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition. 

David fought the uncircumsczed Philistine.........Should you??

Keith from the heart…………

The minute I started reading this chapter, I immediately thought about the Shepherd boy who stood up before the great warriors of Israel and said, 

“For who is this uncircumcised Philistine, that he should defy the armies of the living God?" 1 Samuel 17:26b

“And Saul said to David, “You  are not able to go against this Philistine to fight with him, for you are but a youth, and he has been a man of war from this youth”. 1 Samuel 17:33

And David said to Saul……..”Your servant has struck down both lions and bears, and this uncircumcised Philistine shall be like one of them, for he has defied the armies of the living God.  And David said, “ the Lord who delivered me from the paw of the lion and from the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of    this Philistine.  And Saul said to David, “Go, and the Lord be with you!”  1 Samuel 17: 36-37

Can you and I be like David or are we called to be just Spectators of the Battle like David’s eldest brother, Eliab, and the other seasoned warriors of Israel???  They watched, Cowards, spectators, nay-sayers, afraid to commit……..Afraid to give, afraid to sacrifice and get involved, afraid to be wounded during the fight, afraid of losing, afraid of being humiliated, disgraced, condemned and proven wrong???  The news is not good, my friends!  I know many Christian men like this and I too, have been this man most of my life…..a man of the temporary earth, not a man of eternity and eternal causes…………its really not just about how much you pray, or study, or talk or teach or sound super spiritual………life is more than that……….you have to sign up for the fight…….whatever that call is ………..whatever God is telling you……..there will be a fight involved and you have to act on it!!!

Listen to Eldredge:

A man must have a battle to fight, a great mission to his life that involves and yet transcends even home and family. He must have a cause to which he is devoted even unto death, for this is written into the fabric of his being. Listen carefully now: You do. That is why God created you— to be his intimate ally, to join him in the Great Battle. You have a specific place in the line, a mission God made you for. That is why it is so essential to hear from God about your true name, because in that name is the mission of your life. Churchill was called upon to lead the British through the desperate hours of WWII. He said, “I felt as if I were walking with destiny, and that all my past life had been but a preparation for this hour and for this trial.” The same is true of you; your whole life has been preparation. 

 Eldredge, John (2011-04-17). Wild at Heart Revised and Updated: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul (pp. 141-142). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition.

Don’t wait another day, my Brothers!!!!!  Stand up to fight the battle……..whatever the battle God is calling you to!  Only you know what it is……..But do not put it off another day………when you are more financially stable, empty nested, free of other obligations, not working 50 hour weeks, have a better marriage, or get married, or divorced, etc, etc, etc………that day will never come!  Pray for me that I will move forward to fight the battle God has called me to..

Eldredge says again:

That’s a lie of the Enemy— that your place is really insignificant, that you aren’t really armed for it anyway. In your life you are William Wallace— who else could be? There is no other man who can replace you in your life, in the arena you’ve been called to. If you leave your place in the line, it will remain empty. No one else can be who you are meant to be. You are the hero in your story. Not a bit player, not an extra, but the main man. This is the next leg in the initiation journey, when God calls a man forward to the front lines. He wants to develop and release in us the qualities every warrior needs— including a keen awareness of the enemies we will face. 

 Eldredge, John (2011-04-17). Wild at Heart Revised and Updated: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul (p. 142). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition.

Should you trust a Man who hasn't Suffered??

Yes. True strength does not come out of bravado. 

Until we are broken, our life will be self-centered, self-reliant; our strength will be our own. So long as you think you are really something in and of yourself, what will you need God for? I don’t trust a man who hasn’t suffered; I don’t let a man get close to me who hasn’t faced his wound. Think of the posers you know— are they the kind of man you would call at 2: 00 A.M., when life is collapsing around you? Not me. I don’t want clichés; I want deep, soulful truth, and that only comes when a man has walked the road I’ve been talking about.

Enemy-occupied territory— that is what this world is. —C. S. LEWIS 

We are but warriors for the working-day; Our gayness and our gilt are all besmirch’d With rainy marching in the painful field . . . But, by the mass, our hearts are in the trim. —HENRY V 

If we would endeavor, like men of courage, to stand in the battle, surely we would feel the favorable assistance of God from Heaven. For he who giveth us occasion to fight, to the end we may get the victory, is ready to succor those that fight manfully, and do trust in his grace. —THOMAS À KEMPIS

Eldredge, John (2011-04-17). Wild at Heart Revised and   Updated: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul (p. 139). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition. 

Thailand and the Poor - Why keep coming back??

As I walk the streets and drive the country side of Thailand this week, I am wondering what poverty is, is this it??  And what am I called to do concerning the poor?  I mean Jesus said….”The poor will always be with us.”  Right?  So whats the big deal?  Well, I read this prophetic verse from Isaiah again and ponder what it really means.  

“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;”

Isaiah 61:1 ESV

http://bible.com/59/isa.61.1.esv

Who did Jesus deal with and work with and talk to and love?  It seems to be the poor, the sick, and seldom appears to be the rich.  Would he hang with Donald Trump if He came back today?  But they all need a Saviour!  Even The Donald!  But do they recognize that?  

Who are the “Worthy Poor”?  The “Poorest of Poor”?

I know, I know…..too many questions and no answers!!  But I would appreciate your comments……………

Grieve the Wound..........and a Response

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release for the prisoners.  Isaiah 61:1

Is that you? The Brokenhearted? A Captive? A Prisoner?  Well……Good News…..…..that is exactly WHO Jesus, The Messiah, has come for!!  He has come to heal your broken heart!!  Now that you have finally admitted that it is broken……..this is tough for men! You don’t cry and you don’t admit weakness and you sure as hell don’t admit that you have been wounded and broken and beat down!!!  But Real Men Do…………….And we saw last week from the response……….that Real Women do too……….

Eldredge makes it quite clear:

That is why we must grieve the wound. It was not your fault and it did matter. Oh what a milestone day that was for me when I simply allowed myself to say that the loss of my father mattered. The tears that flowed were the first I’d ever granted my wound, and they were deeply healing. All those years of sucking it up melted away in my grief. It is so important for us to grieve our wound; it is the only honest thing to do. For in grieving we admit the truth— that we were hurt by someone we loved, that we lost something very dear, and it hurt us very much. Tears are healing. They help to open and cleanse the wound. As Augustine wrote in his Confessions, “The tears . . . streamed down, and I let them flow as freely as they would, making of them a pillow for my heart. On them it rested.” Grief is a form of validation; it says the wound mattered. We let God love us; we let him get real close to us. I know, it seems painfully obvious, but I’m telling you few men are ever so vulnerable as to simply let themselves be loved by God.

Eldredge, John (2011-04-17). Wild at Heart Revised and   Updated: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul (p. 130). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition. 

 Eldredge, John (2011-04-17). Wild at Heart Revised and Updated: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul (pp. 129-130). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition.

So…….it is time for us to Forgive our Fathers and our Mothers………… (Eph 4:31)  My Father was a good man, But not a Saved Man, Not a Man of God…….and not necessarily a Giving Man, But I loved him because he spent time with me and taught me and encouraged me and was there……He died over 29 years ago and I still miss him.  My Mother is certainly the source of most of my wound for many reasons of which will not edify me or you by reciting them……But I have learned to forgive her and understand her situation and grieve her inevitable Death, soon and very soon.  What a shame, what a waste of a life……..consumed with Fear and Sadness, full of addictions…..But I have no control of her life…….only my actions, my choices, my decisions, my stupidity and I have to remind myself of that daily…..Since I like to control people and things just like everyone…

I have quoted this song before but it always hits home with The Heart of the Matter:

The more I know, the less I understand, 

all the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again.

I've been tryin' to get down 

to the heart of the matter

but my will gets weak 

and my thoughts seem to scatter

but I think it's about forgiveness, 

forgiveness

even if, even if you don't love me anymore.

These times are so uncertain

There's a yearning undefined

.....people filled with rage

We all need a little tenderness

How can love survive in such a graceless age?

The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness

They're the very things we kill, I guess

Pride and competition

cannot fill these empty arms

And the work I put between us doesn't keep me warm

There are people in your life 

who've come and gone, 

They let you down, 

you know they've hurt your pride.

You better put it behind you; 

'cause life goes on.

You keep carryin' that anger, 

it'll eat you up inside baby,

I have always asked you to respond to the message each week since I learn and others learn from your comments…….most of you don’t but some of you do and here is a response from the heart…………(I share this with her permission)

"I read your weekly emails however, and although I am not "one of the guys," may I first reply to your last question, and then after that I have a comment.

Yes I had a wound, and yes I entered it, and yes, I believe God healed me.  I was once an orphan, always looking, until my 30's for a close female relationship - a "best" friend, and I thought I had found one  but what I was really looking  for was the unconditional love of a mother - a wise, totally loving and understanding parent, and God said "No, you won't get it here in this life, but you'll have it by and by - wait and hope in the resurrection." 

And in the process of finding that out, I nearly left my family and God, I was so mad at God. But at that crucial point of confrontation with the Almighty One, two things happened: 1. Someone, only partially aware of my struggle, asked me "Do you love God?" and 2. God, in what I can only call two visions, revealed first, the blackness of what departing from Him meant, and it scared me to death; second, He revealed the blackened heap of crushed humanity  Christ was reduced to when he lay dead, in darkness at the foot of His cross.

And this extrovert can be alone now, knowing communion awaits me soon enough.

Now my comment:

I know you both quote your book's author and make your own comments.  More than several times I have been confused, as I started reading a paragraph, who was speaking - you or the author.  This is a frustration.

You can set off a quote like this gmail feature of indenting the paragraph, or use some other feature to set off your quotes at the start of the quote.

Do you feel like you are called to shepherd these 30 or so men on this list?  Do you sometimes directly address them in emails, or pray for each by name? I assume you do, and that is why I read a frustrated note in your emails - why don't these guys care for and pray for you as much as you care for and pray for them?  The sheep never do, Keith.

Praying for my children and grandchild and your children and grands "Hope in God." These lostlings have yet to be confirmed in their faith and desperately need our intercession!

I have to quit typing now. I am doing this with one finger because my sprained left wrist is worse than ever, and I can't type or eat with it. (had an X-ray - not broken they said.)”

The whole false self, our “lifestyle,” is an elaborate defense against entering our wounded heart. It is a chosen blindness. “Our false self stubbornly blinds each of us to the light and the truth of our own emptiness and hollowness,” says Manning. There are readers who even now have no idea what their wound is, or even what false self arose from it. Ah, how convenient that blindness is. Blissful ignorance. But a wound unfelt is a wound unhealed. We must go in. The door may be your anger; it may be rejection that you’ve experienced, perhaps from a girl; it may be failure, or the loss of the golden bat and the way God is thwarting your false self. It may be a simple prayer: Jesus, take me into my wound.

Eldredge, John (2011-04-17). Wild at Heart Revised and   Updated: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul (p. 127). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition. 

Remember— masculinity is bestowed by masculinity. But there have been other significant ways in which God has worked— times of healing prayer, times of grieving the wound and forgiving my father. Most of all, times of deep communion with God. The point is this: Healing never happens outside of intimacy with Christ. The healing of our wound flows out of our union with him.

Eldredge, John (2011-04-17). Wild at Heart Revised and   Updated: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul (p. 128). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition. 

SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?   Masculinity is bestowed by masculinity……..well Eldredge says that you need another man to tell you, that your a man……….. by words and confirmation through action and commitment.  

But do you have that man in your life?  Your friend, who confirms you when your wife or daughter or son makes you feel like sh_t!!!  And then you start to question yourself, lose your confidence, doubt your abilities, sometimes you get angry and sometimes you depressed and very passive and other times you withdraw……..from your wife and your friends and your God?????????????

I really can’t tell you how many times I have heard or been told that my Christian Brothers or other male acquaintances or friends……and that would be Pastors, Millionaire Businessmen, Teachers, Single Men, Married Men, Divorced Men, Homosexual Men, Heterosexual Men, Black, White, Red and Yellow Men…………..…don’t have a real friend……….a male friend who can and will confirm their Masculinity!!  And I can’t tell you how many times, men in my life, have been embarrassed for me to know that they are frail and “made from dust”…………just like me. 

But isn’t that exactly what we need to do………..to the feel the wound and get the healing??? 

But its obvious to me that few of you are seeing the need (see below) since I got zero responses from last week………now that’s a shame!!!!!!

2 Blogs: Feel the Wound - Get the Healing...........and Death Happens!

The whole false self, our “lifestyle,” is an elaborate defense against entering our wounded heart. It is a chosen blindness. “Our false self stubbornly blinds each of us to the light and the truth of our own emptiness and hollowness,” says Manning. There are readers who even now have no idea what their wound is, or even what false self arose from it. Ah, how convenient that blindness is. Blissful ignorance. But a wound unfelt is a wound unhealed. We must go in. The door may be your anger; it may be rejection that you’ve experienced, perhaps from a girl; it may be failure, or the loss of the golden bat and the way God is thwarting your false self. It may be a simple prayer: Jesus, take me into my wound.

Eldredge, John (2011-04-17). Wild at Heart Revised and   Updated: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul (p. 127). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition. 

Remember— masculinity is bestowed by masculinity. But there have been other significant ways in which God has worked— times of healing prayer, times of grieving the wound and forgiving my father. Most of all, times of deep communion with God. The point is this: Healing never happens outside of intimacy with Christ. The healing of our wound flows out of our union with him.

Eldredge, John (2011-04-17). Wild at Heart Revised and   Updated: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul (p. 128). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition. 

SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?   Masculinity is bestowed by masculinity……..well Eldredge says that you need another man to tell you, that your a man……….. by words and confirmation through action and commitment.  

But do you have that man in your life?  Your friend, who confirms you when your wife or daughter or son makes you feel like sh_t!!!  And then you start to question yourself, lose your confidence, doubt your abilities, sometimes you get angry and sometimes you depressed and very passive and other times you withdraw……..from your wife and your friends and your God?????????????

I really can’t tell you how many times I have heard or been told that my Christian Brothers or other male acquaintances or friends……and that would be Pastors, Millionaire Businessmen, Teachers, Single Men, Married Men, Divorced Men, Homosexual Men, Heterosexual Men, Black, White, Red and Yellow Men…………..…don’t have a real friend……….a male friend who can and will confirm their Masculinity!!  And I can’t tell you how many times, men in my life, have been embarrassed for me to know that they are frail and “made from dust”…………just like me. 

But isn’t that exactly what we need to do………..to the feel the wound and get the healing??? 

But its obvious to me that few of you are seeing the need (see below) since I got zero responses from last week………now that’s a shame!!!!!!

DEATH HAPPENS!!!……….and you get wounded!

Frederick Buechner’s father committed suicide when he was ten. He left a note, to his mother: “I adore and love you, and am no good . . . Give Freddie my watch. Give Jaime my pearl pin. I give you all my love,” and then he sat in the garage while the running car filled it with carbon monoxide. It happened on a Saturday morning in the fall. He was to have taken Frederick and his brother to a football game that day. Instead, he took himself forever from their lives. What is a ten-year-old boy to do with such an event? A child takes life as it comes because he has no other way of taking it. 

The world had come to an end that Saturday morning, but each time we had moved to another place, I had seen a world come to an end, and there had always been another world to replace it. When somebody you love dies, Mark Twain said, it is like when your house burns down; it isn’t for years that you realize the full extent of your loss. For me it was longer than for most, if indeed I have realized it fully even yet, and in the meantime the loss came to get buried so deep in me that after a time I scarcely ever took it out to look at it at all, let alone speak of it. (The Sacred Journey) 

That is the way we are with our wound, especially men. We bury it deep and never take it out again. But take it out we must, or better, enter into it. 

I entered my wound through the surprising door of my anger. After we moved to Colorado, about eleven years ago, I found myself snapping at my boys for silly things. A spilled glass of milk would elicit a burst of rage. Whoa, John, I thought, there are things going on inside; you’d better have a look under the hood. As I explored my anger with the help of my dear friend Brent, I realized I was so furious about feeling all alone in a world that constantly demanded more of me than I felt able to give. Something in me felt young—young— like a ten-year-old boy in a man’s world but without a man’s ability to come through. There was much fear beneath the surface; fear that I would fail, fear that I would be found out, and finally, fear that I was ultimately on my own. Where did all this fear come from? I wondered. Why do I feel so alone in the world . . . and so young inside? Why does something in my heart feel orphaned?

Eldredge, John (2011-04-17). Wild at Heart Revised and   Updated: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul (pp. 125-126). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition. 

Just like Frederick Buechner, my father died early when he was 32 and I was only 7.  It wounded me!!  And I am still wounded!  My mother then fell deeper into her alcoholism and the wound got deeper!  And I buried it just like Eldredge and every other young man or young boy.  I was a boy full of fear….not sure of my new Dad at 9 years old.  Afraid to call him Dad for a year or more but finally I did.  Afraid of my mother’s craziness, I became inward, closed, quiet, extremely insecure and very confused!  I was never really pointed to Jesus, just attended the Methodist club and sang in the choir.  But I really never understood my wound and hurt and confusion…….and it only got worse as they split mulitple times and he finally left and moved to Savannah for me to move the family and a drunk mother by myself to Savannah.  Not fun but good for character building.

Sooooo, what’s your story?  You have one ….just like me!  Have you entered the wound?  Have you been healed?  Jesus Stands at the Door and Knocks……..